Jokes

hodgo · Nov 29, 2018

An aussie ventriloquist was walking thru a small nz town when he spotted a farmer sitting on the front porch of his house
He thinks, I'll have some fun with this guy
He says "Hey mate,is it ok if I talk to the horse"
the farmer snorts back "crazy aussie,be my guest, talk to the horse" rolling his eyes to the sky
the ventriloquist says to the horse " hello horse, hows the farmer treating you?"
the horse replies " great, I get a nice warm barn to sleep in, a big nose bag of oats everyday and a run thru the surf every week"
The farmer is out of his seat speechless "mate I'm sorry if I was short with you, that is amazing that you can talk to animals
the aussie says " no worries, can I talk to the dog"
"of course you can " he says," wait til the guys at the pub hear about this" he says excitedly
the aussie says "hello dog hows the farmer treating you"
the dog says" I get to round up sheep all day, I get a lift home on the back of the farmbike when I'm tired and get doggiebix and pal for dinner"
"Unbelievable " says the farmer
"can I talk to the sheep" says the aussie
the farmer is out of his chair with a look of alarm "the sheep's a liar" he says

monbeg · Nov 30, 2018

After the honeymoon, Tom was welding some stuff in the garage for fun.

His new wife was standing there by the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally said: "Honey, I've just been thinking; now that we are married, maybe you don't need to spend so much of your time out here in your garage and could consider selling some of your machinery and stuff…like your gun collection, fishing gear, boat, and lose all those stupid model airplanes. And sell that vintage hot rod sports car, and dump that home brewing kit”…Tom got a horrified look on his face and silently stared at her.. She said, "Darling, what's wrong?"

He replied, “Nothing…but for a minute there, you were starting to sound like my ex-wife.”

"Ex-wife!?" she screamed, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!”

Tom replied, “I wasn’t…."

dno67 · Dec 2, 2018

red hilux · Dec 2, 2018

Those of you who are placing Christmas lights/decorations in your yards, can you please avoid anything that has Red or Blue flashing lights together?
Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack. I have to brake hard down to 40, toss my scotch mixer, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the gun under the seat. All while trying to put my clothes back on.
It's just too much drama, even for Christmas.

Thank you for your cooperation and understanding.
Hope you got a giggle mate