A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music, and anything else he could think of to"clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back.
John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird, and put him in the freezer.For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about toask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
A North Queenslander is drinking in a Brisbane Pub when he gets a call on his mobile phone and as he listens to the call he starts grinning from ear to ear. Once he disconnects he shouts to the barman that he wants to buy everyone in the bar a drink.
The barman starts serving the drinks and the people start to crowd around keen to know what they are celebrating. 'Well' he announces, 'My wife's just produced a typical North Queensland baby boy weighing 25 pounds'.
Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the guy from the North just shrugs, 'That's about average up there. Like I said, my boy is a typical North Queensland boy.'
Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of 'STREWTH' were heard. One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later the North Queenslander returns to the bar. The bartender says 'You're the father of that typical NQ baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth aren't you?
Everybody's been having bets about how big he'd be in 2 weeks; we were going to call you. So - how much does he weigh now?' The proud father answers: '17 pounds'. The bartender is puzzled and concerned. 'What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!'
The father takes a l-o-n-g s-l-o-w swig from his XXXX Gold, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly says ... 'Had him circumcised!'
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger standing in a pouring down rain is asking for a push. "Not a chance" says the husband "It's three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was it?" asks his wife. "Just a drunken stranger asking for a push" he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I didn't it's three in the morning and raining like hell out there!" "Well you've got a short memory" says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down on the freeway and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him. "
The man does as he is told and gets dressed and goes out into the pounding rain and calls out into the dark.
"Hello, are you still there?" "Yes," comes the answer. "Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband.
Mick and Paddy, two Irishmen, went out one day and each bought a pig. When they got home, Mick turned to Paddy and said,
"Paddy, me ol' mate, how are we goin' to tell who owns which fookin' pig?"
Paddy says, "Well Mick, Oi'll cut one of te ears off moi fookin' pig, and ten we can tell dem apart."
"Ah, tat'd be grand," replies Mick.
This worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Mick stormed into the house. "Paddy" he said, "Your fookin' pig has chewed the ear off moi fookin' pig. Now we got two fookin' pigs with one ear each. How are we goin' to tell who owns which fookin' pig.?"
"Well Mick," says Paddy,"I'll cut ta other ear off moi fookin' pig. Ten we'll ave two fookin' pigs and only one of
them will avan ear".
"Ah tat'd be grand" says Mick.
Again, this worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Mick again storms into the house."Paddy", he said, "Your fookin' pig has chewed the other ear offa m! fookin' pig!!!. Now, we got two fookin' pigs with no fookin' ears!!!. How we gonna tell who owns which fookin' pig?"
"Ah, dis is serious, Mick" said Paddy. " I'll tell ya what I'll do. I'll cut de tail offa my fookin' pig. Den we'll 'av
two fookin' pigs with no fookin' ears and only one fookin' tail."
"Ah tat'd be grand" says Mick.
Another couple of weeks went by and..........you guessed it, Mick storms into the house once more. "PADDY," shouted Mick, "YOUR FOOKIN' PIG HAS CHEWED THE FOOKIN' TAIL OFFA MY FOOKIN' PIG, AND NOW WE GOT TWO FOOKIN' PIGS WITH NO FOOKIN' EARS AND NO FOOKIN' TAILS!!!!!!!!!!!. HOW D'FOOK ARE WE GONNA FOOKIN' TELL 'EM A PART???!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Ah, Fook it" says Paddy. "How's about you have the black one, and I'll have the white one."__________________
Tiger Woods turns into the petrol station in his new BMW after a round of golf...
There is a blonde there pumping gas as he pulls up, she walks over and says, "Wow, that's a nice car!" Tiger Woods replies "Yeah, it's great, it has heated leather seats, automatic head lights, everything!"
"Wow says the blonde as she points to the center console, what are they?"
Tiger Woods says "They are my tees...." Blonde "What are they for?" Tiger Woods "They are to put my balls on when i am driving....'
Blonde "WOW, BMW really thought of everything didn't they?''
A primary teacher starts a new job at a school in Canterbury Bankstown and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a Bulldogs fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Bulldogs fans. Everyone in the class raises their hands, except for one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand ?'
'Because I'm not a Bulldogs fan,' she replied
The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you're not a Bulldogs fan, then who are you a fan of ?' 'I'm a Tigers fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears.
'Mary, why are you a Tigers fan ?'
'My Mum and Dad were born and raised in Balmain, so my Mum is a Tigers fan and my Dad is a Tigers fan, and so I'm a Tigers fan too !!'
'Well,' said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that's no reason for you to be a Tigers fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your Mum was a prostitute, your Dad was a drug addict, and your brother was a car thief ? What would you be then ?
A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.
Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.
Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, 'Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?'
'I was stung by a bee', she said.
'Where', he asked.
ʼBetween the first and second hole', she replied.
He nodded knowingly and said, 'Then your stance is too wide.'
'Hello, is this the police?'
'Yes it is. How can we help you?'
'I'm calling to report about my neighbour, Wazza. He's hiding Cocaine inside his firewood!'
'Thank you very much for the call.'
The next day, police officers descend on Wazza's house in great numbers.
They search the house and then go out to the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of firewood but they find no cocaine.
They swear at Wazza and leave.
The phone rings at Wazza's house. 'Hey, Wazz, Did the cops come?'
'Did they chop up your firewood?'
'Happy Birthday, maaaaaaaaaate
Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
So she got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my beer.