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Jokes

Discussion in 'Off Topic Discussion' started by x [Heels] x, Jun 8, 2008.

  1. x [Heels] x

    x [Heels] x New Member

  2. Pure Yobbo

    Pure Yobbo Moderator

    Four men who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.
    After several drinks, one of the men had to use the restroom.

    Those who remained talked about their kids. The first guy said,
    "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful
    company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and
    Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate
    ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became
    so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes
    for his birthday."

    The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and
    joy. He started working for a big airline, t hen went to flight school to
    become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he
    owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a
    brand new jet for his birthday."

    The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best
    universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own
    construc-tion company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away
    something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday:
    A 30,000 square foot mansion."

    The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned
    from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"

    One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the
    successes of our sons. What about your son?"

    The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing
    as a stripper at a nightclub."
    The three friends said: "What a shame ... what a disappointment." The
    fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him.
    And he hasn't done too badly either. His birthday was two weeks
    ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet
    and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.
     
  3. Gunna

    Gunna Well-Known Member

    QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME ????





    Can you cry under water?




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    How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?




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    Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?




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    Why does a round pizza come in a square box?




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    How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?




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    Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?




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    If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?




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    Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?




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    Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?




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    Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.




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    Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?




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    Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp,



    which no decent human being would eat?




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    If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?




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    If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?




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    If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?




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    If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?




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    Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?




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    Why did you just try singing the two songs above?




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    Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you,



    but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
     
  4. Gunna

    Gunna Well-Known Member

    A mature (over 40) lady gets pulled over for speeding...

    Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

    Officer : Ma'am, you were speeding.

    Older Woman: Oh, I see.

    Officer : Can I see your license please?

    Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

    Officer : Don't have one?

    Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

    Officer : I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

    Older Woman: I can't do that.

    Officer : Why not?

    Older Woman: I stole this car.

    Officer : Stole it?

    Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

    Officer : You what?

    Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

    The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

    Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!


    The woman steps out of her vehicle.

    Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

    Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

    Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

    Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

    The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

    Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

    Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
    The officer is quite stunned.

    Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

    The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

    The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

    Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

    Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.




    Don't Mess With Mature Ladies
     
  5. Gunna

    Gunna Well-Known Member

    I just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking....
    Scared the shit out of me.


    So that's it!
    After today, no more reading.
     
  6. BUSHNUT

    BUSHNUT 4x4 Earth Contributer

    There is Women's Liberation and then there is Women's Liberation

    The first speaker, a lady from England stood and said, "During last year's conference, we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference, I went home and told my husband, Barrington, that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself.

    After the first day, I saw nothing. The second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb." (The crowd cheered).

    The second speaker from Russia, stood up and said, "After last year's conference, I went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. The first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had done not only his own washing, mine as well. (The crowd again cheered).

    The third speaker, an Aboriginal lady, stood up and said, "Afta lass year's conference, I wen home and tole dat lazy husband of mines, Dingo Jack, dat I was froo pickin up his beer cans, cookin his tucker and washing his undaweah and dat he was goin to haf to do dem himself. (The crowd went wild with cheering and clapping that lasted for five long minutes). She continued..........................."Afta da first day, I nevah see nuffing. Afta da second day I nevah see nuffing, but afta da fird day, I could see a little bit out of my leff eye.
     
  7. Grumpy

    Grumpy Moderator

    all good jokes LMAO.
     
  8. x [Heels] x

    x [Heels] x New Member

    Hahaha yeah agreed!
     
  9. 4X4

    4X4 Moderator

    A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday
    night to meet, and have dinner with her parents.
    Since this is such a big event, the girl announces
    to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like
    to go out and make love for the first time
    The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex
    before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to
    get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his
    first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an
    hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about
    condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks
    the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or
    family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he
    thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
    That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents
    house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so
    excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!'
    The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner
    table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy
    quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

    A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in
    prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still
    no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes
    with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the
    boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'
    The boy turns, and whispers back, 'And I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'
     
  10. 4X4

    4X4 Moderator

    A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, "Excuthe me, do you have any widdle wabbits?"

    The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level, and says, Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

    The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers...."I don't weally fink my python gives a p**k."
     
  11. BUSHNUT

    BUSHNUT 4x4 Earth Contributer

    A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
    The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

    "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
    "Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
    "No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
    "Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
    "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
    "Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
    "What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
    "Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

    The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?
    I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

    The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."
     
  12. Grumpy

    Grumpy Moderator

    Turner Brown

    A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown.'


    The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to. Shaking him the big guy says, 'What's wrong with you?'

    In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'

    The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown.'

    The small guy says, 'Turner Brown?!. Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn Around!'
     
  13. Grumpy

    Grumpy Moderator

    The Lie Detector.

    John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha has long ago given up trying to get him to
    change.
    >
    One day, John came home about noon and told Marsha that he had gone to a nearby city and purchased a Robot. It was no ordinary robot, but it was in fact a Lie Detector. He said it had to charge 4 or 5 hours, and then he would show her how it worked.
    >
    At 5:30 that afternoon, Tommy, their 11 year old son, came in from school, nearly 2 hours and 15 minutes late. Both parents were
    understandably angry.
    >
    'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?', they asked. 'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit
    project,' said Tommy.
    >
    The Robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
    >
    'Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school.' 'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.'
    >
    What did you watch?', asked Marsha. 'The Ten Commandments.'
    >
    The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'
    >
    'I'm ashamed of you Son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents, never tried to see dirty pictures much less dirty movies,
    told dirty jokes, nor did I misbehave.'
    >
    The robot walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that not only knocked him out of his chair, but out the back door and half
    way across the patio.
    >
    When he came back inside, Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad
    with Tommy. After all, he is your son!'
    >
    The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha and slapped the s**t out of her!
     
  14. Grumpy

    Grumpy Moderator

    School Photo's.

    Subject: School Photo



    >>> Hi all!
    >>>
    >>> It's mad I couldn't believe it, check it out. This
    website
    >>> is
    >>> amazing. They actually have photographs of almost every
    >>> School
    >>> in the
    >>> World.... Unless you went to School when cameras weren't
    >>> invented, you will
    >>> find a photo of yourself or at least your classmates.
    Click
    >>> on
    >>> the link
    >>> below or type it into your search line.
    >>>
    >>> You have to enter the name of your school and Year that
    you
    >>> were
    >>> there.
    >>>
    >>>
    >>> World School Photographs
     
    Vitaraman likes this.
  15. cruiser

    cruiser New Member

    wow i cant beleive they had my pic
     
  16. x [Heels] x

    x [Heels] x New Member

    Hahahaha! I can't remember the last time i looked like that!
     
  17. BUSHNUT

    BUSHNUT 4x4 Earth Contributer

    Hell ! I was handsome then . Where did the years go:D
     
  18. Joe

    Joe Active Member

    thats brilliant. I like that one:D
     
  19. Quozie

    Quozie Member

    Doesn't look like I've changed much since leaving school....that was a long time ago too.....I guess it's good to know that I've kept my age well :)
     
  20. x [Heels] x

    x [Heels] x New Member

    Lmao. I so fell for it!
     

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