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Jokes

Discussion in 'Off Topic Discussion' started by x [Heels] x, Jun 8, 2008.

  1. BUSHNUT

    BUSHNUT 4x4 Earth Contributer

    Naturalization

    A Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of
    living in Shanghai. He buys a small piece of land near to Mt Isa.
    A few days after moving in the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across
    and welcome the new guy to the region, so he goes next door but on his
    way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front
    yard chasing about 10 hens not wanting to interrupt these "Chinese
    customs", he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

    The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about
    to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the
    Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to
    interrupt another "Chinese custom", he decides to put the welcome on
    hold for yet another day.
    A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the bull's
    bum.

    The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese
    man and says "Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs?
    I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running
    around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass,
    and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that
    bull's bum, it could just about shit on you."

    The Chinese man is very taken back and says "Sorry sir, you no
    understand, these no Chinese customs I doing, these Australian
    Customs."

    "What do you mean mate" says the Aussie, "Those aren't
    Australian customs."

    "Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me" replied the Chinese
    man," He say to become true Australian, I learn chase chicks, drink
    piss, and listen to bull-shit"
     
  2. cruiser

    cruiser New Member

    An elderly man had owned a large farm up north for several years. He had a large lagoon, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables and some apple and peach trees. The lagoon was shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

    One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the lagoon, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a 5 gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

    As he neared the lagoon, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his lagoon. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

    One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

    Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the crocodiles."

    Old men may move slow but can still think fast.
     
  3. BUSHNUT

    BUSHNUT 4x4 Earth Contributer

    Train Ticket

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Three New Zealanders and three Aussies are traveling by train to a cricket match at the World Cup in England.
    At the station, the three Kiwis each buy a ticket and watch as the three Aussies buy just one ticket between them.

    "How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Kiwis.
    "Watch and learn," answers one of the Aussies. They all board the train.
    The Kiwis take their respective seats but all three Aussies cram into a toilet and close the door behind them.

    Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.
    He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket please."
    The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The Conductor takes it and moves on.

    The Kiwis see this and agree it's quite a clever idea. So after the game, they decide to copy the Aussies on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that).

    When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Aussies don't buy a ticket at all!
    "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Kiwi.
    "Watch and learn," answers an Aussie.

    When they board the train the three Kiwis cram into a toilet and soon after the three Aussies cram into another nearby.
    The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the Aussies leaves the toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Kiwis are hiding.

    He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please."
     
  4. cruiser

    cruiser New Member

    Plumber:
    "We repair what your husband fixed."

    Pizza shop slogan:
    "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

    Door of a plastic surgeons office:
    "Hallo, can we pick your nose."

    Sign at the psychic's hot line:
    "Don't call us, we'll call you."

    At the drycleaners:
    How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?"

    On maternity room door:
    "Push, Push, Push."

    At an optometrist's office:
    "If you don't see what you are looking for, you've come to the right place."

    On a butcher's window:
    "Let me meat your needs."

    On a fence:
    Salesmen Welcome, Dog Food is Expensive."
     
  5. BUSHNUT

    BUSHNUT 4x4 Earth Contributer

    Local RulesB]

    A big city lawyer from Sydney was holidaying in the bush. He went duck hunting in rural NSW. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

    The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

    The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in Australia and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

    The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in the bush. We settle small disagreements like this with the Three Kick Rule."

    The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"

    The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

    The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger who looked extremely frail and was really quite elderly. The lawyer agreed to abide by the local custom.

    The old farmer carefully and slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. With his first kick he planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick went to the midriff and sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The barrister was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he felt that it was retribution time. He felt truly great as he said, "Okay, you old sweetheart. Now it's my turn."

    The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck!"
     
  6. x [Heels] x

    x [Heels] x New Member

    Hahahahaha, i copied and printed out all of the jokes for my Pop & he loved them, SO funny!
     
  7. BUSHNUT

    BUSHNUT 4x4 Earth Contributer

    THIS WILL RATTLE THEIR CAGES

    It's the first day of school and the teacher thought she'd get to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living.

    The first little girl says: "My name is Mary and my Daddy is a Postman"

    The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic"

    Then one little boy says: "My name is Jimmy and my Father is a fag, who is a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men"

    The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject but later in the school yard approaches Jimmy privately and asks if it was really true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar.

    He blushed and said "I'm sorry Miss, but my Dad plays rugby league for Queensland, and I was just too embarrassed to say so"
     
  8. goldrush

    goldrush Moderator

    He blushed and said "I'm sorry Miss, but my Dad plays rugby league for Queensland, and I was just too embarrassed to say so"

    WTF???

    And just when I was starting to like you Bushnut. LOL
     
  9. x [Heels] x

    x [Heels] x New Member

    LOL... :rolleyes:
     
  10. Gunna

    Gunna Well-Known Member

    Duties of Wives!



    Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had

    Given their new wives duties.



    Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he

    had told his wife she needed to do all the dishes and housework.

    He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came

    home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.



    Jimmie had married a woman from Canada. He bragged that he had

    given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and

    the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results,
    but

    The next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the

    dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.



    The third man had married an Aussie girl. He boasted that he told her

    that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed,

    laundry and ironing twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned

    and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he

    didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the

    third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little

    out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the

    dishwasher, and call a handyman.





    God Bless Aussie
    Women
     
  11. 4X4

    4X4 Moderator

    That's Gold!:D
     
  12. Grumpy

    Grumpy Moderator

    I think it's amazing how many good clean jokes are really out there,this is a great forum to read and laugh out loud too, keep em comin, hey bushnut u must be running out of good un's soon.
     
  13. x [Heels] x

    x [Heels] x New Member

    LOL... They just never seem to it... Good stuff...
     
  14. BUSHNUT

    BUSHNUT 4x4 Earth Contributer

    Women, Wine & Hair

    A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a
    Particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for A couple of dollars for dinner.

    The woman took out her bill fold, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money,
    will you buy some wine with it instead of Dinner?"
    "No," I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless woman replied.
    "Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman Asked.
    "No, I don't waste time shopping" the homeless woman said. "I need to Spend all my time trying to stay alive."
    "Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman Asked.
    "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done In 20 years!"
    "Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead,
    I'm going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight."

    The homeless Woman was astounded. "Won't your husband be furious with
    You for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty Disgusting."
    The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a Woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and Wine."

    **Have a good day!!!**
     
  15. x [Heels] x

    x [Heels] x New Member

    LOL... Hahaha THAT IS SO RIGHT..... I can't live without shopping, my hair appointments & getting my nails done.. hehe! *Not a fan of wine!*
     
  16. BUSHNUT

    BUSHNUT 4x4 Earth Contributer

    Book of Genesis

    A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to
    "Where do pets come from?"

    Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day.
    Now we do not see you any more.
    We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."

    And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you,
    so that you will love me even when you cannot see me.
    Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be,
    this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."

    And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
    And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.
    And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
    And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom
    and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.
    " And God said, " I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you,
    his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

    And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
    And they were comforted. And God was pleased.
    And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

    After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said,
    "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride.
    They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration.
    Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.

    " And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are.
    The companion will remind them of their limitations,
    so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.
    " And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
    And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes,
    they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
    And Adam and Eve learned humility.
    And they were greatly improved.

    And God was pleased And Dog was happy.
    And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.
     
  17. 4X4

    4X4 Moderator

    An Aboriginal picks up a hooker.

    'How much do you charge for da hour, sister?' he asks.

    '$100,' she replies.

    He says 'Do you do Aboriginal style?'

    'No' she says.

    'I pay you $200 to do it Aboriginal style'

    'No', she says, not knowing what Aboriginal style is.

    'I pay you $300'

    'No', she says.

    'I pay you $400'

    'No', she says.

    So finally he says, 'OK, I pay you $1,000 to do it Aboriginal style."

    She thinks, 'Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdos from every part of the world. How bad could Aboriginal Style be?''.

    So she agrees and has sex with him.

    They do it in every kind of way and in every possible position. Finally, after several hours, they finish.

    Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, 'Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So what exactly is 'Aboriginal style'?'

    The Aboriginal replies 'You send da bill to da Gub'ment'.
     
    MyCrazy80 likes this.
  18. x [Heels] x

    x [Heels] x New Member

    Lmao! LOL.....
     
  19. bubba

    bubba New Member

    Hi Miss Rodeo

    I like your jokes, a laugh is always good.:cool:
    Good luck with your parking:

    Cheers
    Bubba
     
  20. Pure Yobbo

    Pure Yobbo Moderator

    THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH"



    A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.



    The manager asked

    "Do you have any sales experience?"



    The young man answered

    "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo."



    The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.



    His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.



    After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked,

    "OK, so how many sales did you make today?"



    The Aussie said

    "One!"



    The manager groaned and continued,

    "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"



    The Aussie Answered "£124,237.64. pounds"



    The manager choked and exclaimed

    "124,237.64 POUNDS!! What the hell did you sell him?"



    "Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and

    then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, soI took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".



    The manager, incredulous, said

    "You mean to tell m e....a guy came in here

    to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?"



    "No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his

    lady friend and I said.........

    'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing."
     

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