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Jokes

Discussion in 'Off Topic Discussion' started by x [Heels] x, Jun 8, 2008.

  1. BUSHNUT

    BUSHNUT 4x4 Earth Contributer

    Method and then there is method

    John was waiting to cross the street when a blind man approached with his guide-dog. The traffic sign turned green and instead of helping its master to cross, the dog raised its rear leg and peed on the shoes of the blind man.

    Observing that, the blind man reached into his pocket and offered the dog a cookie. John told the blind man in amazement, "If it was my dog, I’d have kicked its ass!".

    The blind man calmly replied, "I’m going to. But I need to find its head first".
     
  2. 4X4

    4X4 Moderator

    Ha Ha Ha very good. You'll have to ease up on the Jokes BUSHNUT or you'll have none to tell around the campfire.;)
     
  3. BUSHNUT

    BUSHNUT 4x4 Earth Contributer

    Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that
    she had her hair cut and dyed brown.

    A few days later, as she was out driving around the countryside, she
    stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass. Admiring the cute woolly
    creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you
    have, can I take one?"

    The shepherd, always the gentleman, said, "Of course."

    The blonde thought for a moment and, for no discernible reason, said,
    "352."

    This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally
    amazed, and exclaimed, "You're right! OK, I'll keep to my end of the
    deal. Take your pick of my flock."

    The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked the
    one that was by far cuter and more playful that any of the others. When
    she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "OK, now I have a
    proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair colour, can I have
    my dog back?"
     
  4. x [Heels] x

    x [Heels] x New Member

    Hahahahahahaha!
     
  5. BUSHNUT

    BUSHNUT 4x4 Earth Contributer

    Mailman's Last Day

    It was George the Mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

    At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

    At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love making he had ever experienced.

    When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar coin stuck inside a card near his saucer.
    "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what’s the dollar for?"

    "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you". I asked him what to give you and he said "F@#k him. Give him a dollar".

    "The breakfast was my idea".
     
    Last edited: Jun 12, 2008
  6. Grumpy

    Grumpy Moderator

    twice, I must be slow, took me three times!
     
  7. BUSHNUT

    BUSHNUT 4x4 Earth Contributer

    A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?" The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!"

    Later, the lion confronts a deer and fiercely bellows, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"

    The terrified deer stammers, "Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!"

    On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

    Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times, the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomped on the lion til it looked like a corn tortilla and ambled away.

    The lion let out a moan of pain, lifted his head weakly and hollered after the elephant, "Gosh, you don't have to get so pissed off just because you don't know the answer!"
     
  8. BUSHNUT

    BUSHNUT 4x4 Earth Contributer

    I know, I am going to hell !

    A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing. They keep saying "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
    "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed. "But I do have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship."

    So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house.
    The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots,and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes! Do you want to have some fun?"

    One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams, "Put your Bible away Frank, our prayers have been answered!!!!!!!"
     
  9. goldrush

    goldrush Moderator

    Some of these jokes, although very funny, are stretching the " G " rating a bit far. Let's keep them clean so this thread can keep going.
     
  10. max

    max New Member

    A woman and a baby were in the doctor`s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby`s first check-up.The doctor arrived and examined the baby,checked his weight,and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.`Breast-fed` she replied.`Well strip down to your waist` the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples,pressed,kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed,the doctor said,` No wonder this baby is underweight, you don`t have any milk`. I know` she said, I`m his Grandma, but I`m glad I came`. `
     
  11. BUSHNUT

    BUSHNUT 4x4 Earth Contributer

    A Question of economics

    Husband and wife are out shopping in Coles, the husband sees a beer special goes up in picks up a slab of VB and stiks it in the trolley.

    "What do you think you are doing ?" asks the wife . " They are on offer, 24 cans for only $30 " He says.

    " Put them back, we can't afford that ". Says the wife and they carry on shopping ..,

    A few aisles later the woman picks up a $60 jar of face cream and sticks it in the trolley.

    " What do you think you are doing ?"asks the husband . "It's my face cream, it makes me look beautiful ."She says.

    "SO DOES 24 CANS OF VB AND THEY ARE HALF THE BLOODY PRICE"
     
    Last edited: Jun 14, 2008
  12. 4X4

    4X4 Moderator

    I think that's the best joke yet! :D
     
  13. BUSHNUT

    BUSHNUT 4x4 Earth Contributer

    An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. St Peter checks his dossier and says "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

    So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

    One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"

    Satan replies "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

    God replies "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

    Satan says "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

    God says "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

    Satan laughs uproariously and answers "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
     
  14. 4X4

    4X4 Moderator

    One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him,
    'My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor.'

    'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies.
    'There's a diagnostic computer down at Bunnings. Just
    give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and
    what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A
    lot cheaper than a Doctor.'

    So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Bunnings.

    He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for
    the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

    Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

    'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
    activity. It will improve in two weeks.
    Thank you for shopping @ Bunnings.'

    That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was,
    Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

    He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog,
    urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm
    sample for good measure.



    Joe hurries back to Bunnings, eager to check the results.

    He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.


    The computer prints the following:

    "1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

    2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

    3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

    4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a solicitor.

    5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get
    better!



    Thank you for shopping @ Bunnings "
     
  15. Gunna

    Gunna Well-Known Member

    Nicobate

    Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.

    One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicobate patch on it.

    He looks at the other priest and says, 'I believe you're

    supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis.'

    The other one replies, 'It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day.'


    *IF YOU LAUGH....YOU'LL GO STRAIGHT TO HELL!!!!
     
    Vitaraman likes this.
  16. centaur

    centaur Member

    That was cool, gotta love technology...... :)
     
  17. BUSHNUT

    BUSHNUT 4x4 Earth Contributer

    Fly Sexing

    A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
    "What are you doing?" She asked.
    "Hunting Flies" He responded.
    "Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
    "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
    Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

    He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
     
  18. BUSHNUT

    BUSHNUT 4x4 Earth Contributer

    Kiwi's Deserve it

    A New Zealander was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.

    Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.
    After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.
    One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
    As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Kiwi. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
    But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until The man took his arm from around the sheep.
    After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, But there was no more cuddling.

    A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

    The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.
    When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

    Pretty soon, the Kiwi started to get "those feelings" again.

    He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear :

    "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"


    .
     
  19. BUSHNUT

    BUSHNUT 4x4 Earth Contributer

    NZ Earthquake

    A major earthquake, measuring 9.1 on the Richter scale has hit New Zealand this morning. The country is devastated with 350,000 New Zealanders missing, and over 100,000 injured.
    The country is totally ruined and the government is so overwhelmed that it has issued a worldwide appeal for assistance. Other nations have been quick to respond to the disaster.
    Britain is flying in rescue workers and sniffer dogs to help locate trapped victims.
    The USA is flying in food supplies and aid money.
    France is flying in doctors, nurses and first aid units.
    Japan is flying in high tech communications equipment.
    Germany is flying in special trained police squads to help restore order.
    Russia is flying in tents and warm clothing.
    Australia is flying in 350,000 replacement Kiwis.......

    .
     
    rynohsv likes this.
  20. BUSHNUT

    BUSHNUT 4x4 Earth Contributer

    Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.
    His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

    The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'
    His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
    'Oh no,' says Bob.'He's in my bowling league.

    When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob ifhe'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
    His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did sheknow that you drink Budweiser?'
    'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.
    I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

    A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,
    'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'
    Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
    Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.
    Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her

    Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it .
    She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.
    The cabby turns around and says,
    'Geez Bob, you picked up a real ***** this time.'

    BOB's funeral will be on Friday.
     

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