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Jokes

Discussion in 'Off Topic Discussion' started by x [Heels] x, Jun 8, 2008.

  1. 4X4

    4X4 Moderator

    What the?

    A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you......This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both....... Be strong, honey. I love you!'
    His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. ....Be strong honey. I love you, too.'
     
  2. x [Heels] x

    x [Heels] x New Member

    Bahahahaha! Disturbing but funny!
     
  3. BUSHNUT

    BUSHNUT 4x4 Earth Contributer

    Sometimes it doesn't pay to ask !

    It's a night club and during the course of the night, a couple having met for the first time really hit it off.

    The rest of the night takes it's inevitable course and they end up back at her flat and soon they were in her bed making love.

    After shall we say the first bout, he notices on the bedside dresser a photo frame containing a photo of a man bearing a remarkable resemblance to her.

    " Is that a photo of your brother ?" he asks. She replies "No !"

    This he found unsettling and again asked " Is it a picture of your boyfriend ?" She kisses him on the neck and then passionately on the mouth then answers " No, of course not, don't be silly , you are really making me hot with your jealousy ".

    They again make love and temporarily the subject is out of his mind . After the second bout , he again is fixated on who the guy in the picture frame might be.

    He asks " He is not your husband is he ?" She sighs and says" Don't be silly of course not !"

    He says' Look, I am sorry but it is really troubling me, who is it ?"

    She replies " Look honestly , it is nothing to worry about, it is a picture of me before the operation."
     
  4. Pure Yobbo

    Pure Yobbo Moderator


    That is really really bad - funny but bad :D

    Cheers
     
  5. Grumpy

    Grumpy Moderator

    There really are some sick people out there, keep em coming, hey by the way HEELS youv'e started something here, I don't think I've seen so many post in such a short time LMAO at some of them, very entertaining.
     
  6. goldrush

    goldrush Moderator

    Just remember this is a "g" rated forum so try not to take it too far. It would be a shame to have this thread closed.

    Cheers

    Cliff
     
  7. Pure Yobbo

    Pure Yobbo Moderator

    Whats a 'G' rating?? Make sure the jokes are Good
    No i know what you mean just having a lend of you.

    Cheers
     
  8. Gunna

    Gunna Well-Known Member

    9 Things I Hate That People Do

    1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours?

    2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V.. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

    3 When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too'. Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

    4 When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

    5 When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?'. No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

    6 People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'.... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?


    7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

    8 When people say 'life is short'. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?


    9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks 'Has the bus come yet?'. If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?
     
  9. Grumpy

    Grumpy Moderator

    I agree there are plenty of good jokes out there "Don't need to get down and dirty with this segment"
     
  10. Pure Yobbo

    Pure Yobbo Moderator

    The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

    Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky; what you see?"

    The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

    "What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

    The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"

    "You dumber than buffalo shit. Someone stole our tent."
     
  11. 4X4

    4X4 Moderator

    I'll pay that one:p
     
  12. x [Heels] x

    x [Heels] x New Member

    Hahahaha! funny...
    Yes, G rated but they must be good... :p
     
  13. BUSHNUT

    BUSHNUT 4x4 Earth Contributer

    Out of the mouths of babes

    The Prime Minister Kevin Rudd is visiting a school.

    In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy". One little boy stands up and offers "if my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a tragedy".

    "No," the PM says, "That would be an accident."

    A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved ... that would be a tragedy". <,/p>

    "I'm afraid not, " explains the PM, "that is what we would call a great loss."

    The room is silent, none of the other children volunteer. "What?" asks the PM, "isn't there any one here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

    Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: "If an airplane carrying the Prime Minister was blown up by a bomb, THAT would be a tragedy".

    "Wonderful!" the PM beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

    "Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss!"
     
  14. BUSHNUT

    BUSHNUT 4x4 Earth Contributer

    Children were called upon in a classroom to make sentences with words chosen by the teacher. The teacher smiled when Jack, a slow learner, raised his hand to participate during the challenge of making a sentence with the words "defeat," "defense," "deduct," and "detail."

    Jack stood thinking for a while, all eyes focused on him while his classmates awaited his reply. Smiling, he then proudly shouted out, "Defeat of deduct went over defense before detail."
     
  15. 4X4

    4X4 Moderator

    I had to read it twice to get it!;)
     
  16. x [Heels] x

    x [Heels] x New Member

    Hahaha funny..

    I think this joke is G.... maybe PG LOL


    Coma...

    One day a man went to visit his wife at the hospital, she had been in a coma for a year now and it was her birthday....

    As he went in he asked the doctor if he could be left alone with his wife as it was a special visit...

    As the husband kissed his wife on the cheek, he decided to rub her left breast... She moaned, in shock he ran out to the doctor and told him.. The doctore said try touching her right breat, so the husband did, his wife moaned again... The doctor suggested oral sex as this could stimulate her enough to wake her out of her coma.... The doctor said to the husband he would leave the room as this was a private moment..


    A few mintues later the husband come out looking like he'd seen a joke... What's wrong said the doctor.... the husband looked at him and said "She choked..."
     
  17. 4X4

    4X4 Moderator

    What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam.
     
  18. Pure Yobbo

    Pure Yobbo Moderator

    Bloke go's fishing for the day and catches bugger all. In the afternoon he pulls in his crab pot, and finds a really big female crab (which is supposed to be thrown back). He dos'nt see anyone around and thinks stuff it, I've had a crappy day, I'm taking it. So freeing it from the net he takes it up to his car and throw's it in the boot.

    Guy walks up and taps the bloke on the shoulder, " I just saw you throw that sand crab in the boot of your car, that will attract a heavy fine".
    The bloke turns around and discovers he's been seen by a D.P.I.
    inspector. " I didn't catch that crab, it's my pet." he replies.

    "Well, how do I know thats your pet? That's pretty silly.."

    "It's my pet Matilda, we come down here every afternoon and I take her out, let her go for a swim and she comes back and we go home."

    "You expect me to just believe you? I'm not that stupid, your going to have to prove it."

    So the man takes the crab back out of the boot, carries it to the waters edge and lets it go...."Off you go Matilda, have a nice swim..."

    A few minutes go past after the crab has disappeared....

    "Well? is your pet crab coming back?" asks the inspector.

    "What crab?" says the bloke.
     
  19. x [Heels] x

    x [Heels] x New Member

    Hahahahaha!
     
  20. BUSHNUT

    BUSHNUT 4x4 Earth Contributer

    Always pays to tell the truth

    A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around eight PM. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

    "Where have you been" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

    "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

    The wife glanced down at his shoes and said,

    "You lying *******! You've been playing golf !"
     
    Luthy likes this.

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