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Jokes

Discussion in 'Off Topic Discussion' started by x [Heels] x, Jun 8, 2008.

  1. BlueCollie

    BlueCollie Active Member

    On the way in or on the way out?
     
    barcher likes this.
  2. Bomber2012

    Bomber2012 Well-Known Member

  3. itlldoo

    itlldoo Well-Known Member

    don't be so sure ! future plans i have seen for major housing estates will have there own sewer filtration, inspection and separation stations.............. in short they will know where the crap comes from.
     
    barcher likes this.
  4. Loony

    Loony New Member

    A few years back the missus and I were out for a country drive in the Camry on a lazy Sunday arvo. As I was driving around this sweeping bend, a rabbit darts from the edge of the verge and dash's between the cars tires. I hit the rabbit, then hit the skids. The missus looks at me and asks, Is it dead?
    It's one of those times where I'd wished I said, "Yep" and just drove on, but no, not that time. I jump from the car and went back to look at the rabbit. As I am contemplating the situation and my wife is asking about the rabbits life expectancy, a local cocky drives up in his Land Cruiser, and ask's if everything is OK?
    I look over at the farmer, then to the missus in the car then at the rabbit laying at my feet then back to the farmer. Seeing that he was dealing with city folk, the old cocky announces that he has the perfect solution. Thinking that all is well here comes a spade, the cocky does not reach for the tool box, but instead reaches into the cab's glove compartment and strides over to where I am standing. In his hands is a white bottle. He crouches down to the rabbit and meretriciously pours the contents over the rabbit, then straightens and stands beside me. The cocky seeing my confused and dumbfounded look, winks over and says, "you gotta give it a minute for it to work".
    True to his word, a little while later the rabbit started to twitch. The twitching became more like mini seizures, then the rabbit sat up. (if that's the correct term)
    The rabbit looks at the farmer, then to myself then at the car. Blinks a couple of times and scurries under the nearest fence. Once under the fence he scurried up an embankment, half way up, it stopped, turned and waved at the farmer and me. WTF! I look at the old cocky, who had a twinkle in his eyes. I look back to the rabbit as it hit's the top of the embankment. Again it stops and waves, turns again and disappears from sight.
    I'm shocked, what do ya say in a situation like that? So i asked the only thing that came to mind. "Whats in the bottle? The old cocky turns the bottle around, and there in bold print are the words, Hair restorer with a permanent wave.
     
    dno67, 2002GU3, typhoeus and 3 others like this.
  5. Loony

    Loony New Member

    This one is a true story, and to this day it still makes me laugh. Hopefully you can see the funny side of this.
    In an age where we have to be so careful in all that we say, it's refreshing to come across humor in such a stiff world.
    I was working a number of years ago with a young pommy guy. Chris was his name. Chris had the fancy for large ladies, and at smoko every morning we would hear of his exploits from the nightclub from the night before. Chris was one of those guys where butter would not melt in his mouth, and nearly everything he said was hilarious. After hearing yet another one of his stories, I took him aside and asked the question that we all ask at some point, "What chat up line are you using"? Purely out of curiosity of course! This is what Chris informed me.
    Have you ever been to Heath-row Zoo he asks? "No, I answer." He said, "I am a penguin handler". I raise my eyebrows as I had never heard of such a job role. Chris goes onto explain. " Heathrow Zoo is on a direct flight line for many planes that leave certain runways from the Airport. What happens he goes onto explain is - When the penguins come out of their enclosures in the morning and they all twaddle out onto the ice, the penguins all huddle together and start chatting away at each other, as this is taking place quite often a plane will leave the runway and steadily gain height as it fly's over the Zoo. (A little known fact- penguins have no necks he goes onto explain) As the plane gains height and the turbine scream, the noise gets the penguins attention and slowly they in turn look skyward to follow the planes flight path up over their heads. (Now remembering the no neck bit?) As the planes fly directly over the penguins head the penguin will loose its balance and topple backwards. This is when Chris would himself scurry out onto the ice catching the penguins before they hit their heads on the ice. Thus saving those little guys from injury. The natural response from 99% of the women he said this too. Aaaaaa, that's so sweet!
    lol. Bloody brilliant.
     
    Lovey likes this.
  6. Lovey

    Lovey Active Member

    A mate of mine would tell the ladies in the pub that his job was to drive around to check that the distance signs between places were still accurate. He had them captivated as he explained that the earth may have expanded or contacted, thus changing the actual distance as to what was shown on the sign :D.
    The other job he told the ladies was a bit boring but with heaps of travel opportunities, travelling to each club in his designated area and sharpening their keno pencils :p. He used to do quite well.
     
    typhoeus, Loony, 80lover96gxl and 3 others like this.
  7. Loony

    Loony New Member

    So he married a blondy then.
     
    Lovey likes this.
  8. 80lover96gxl

    80lover96gxl Moderator

  9. dno67

    dno67 Well-Known Member

    One of my mates used to tell the ladies he was a kindacologist when
    they asked what he did for a living. They'd usually ask "is that like a
    gynecologist" or similar, which he would then reply with. Yer, the difference
    is l don't anything about your anatomy but I'm willing to have a look at
    it for you.
     
    80lover96gxl likes this.
  10. greysrigging

    greysrigging Well-Known Member

  11. 80lover96gxl

    80lover96gxl Moderator

  12. itlldoo

    itlldoo Well-Known Member

    but are you sure !! most of us use it but don't realize we do.:cool:
     
    80lover96gxl likes this.
  13. dno67

    dno67 Well-Known Member

    Prison Vs Work

    IN PRISON..........you spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell.
    AT WORK............you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle.

    IN PRISON.........you get three meals a day.
    AT WORK...........you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

    IN PRISON..........you get time off for good behavior.
    AT WORK............you get more work for good behavior.

    IN PRISON..........the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
    AT WORK............you're often required to carry a security card and open all the doors yourself.

    IN PRISON..........you can watch TV and play games.
    AT WORK...........you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

    IN PRISON.........you get your own toilet.
    AT WORK..........you share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat.

    IN PRISON..........they allow your family and friends to visit.
    AT WORK............you're not supposed to even speak to your family.

    IN PRISON.........all expenses are paid by the taxpayers.
    AT WORK............you pay all your expenses to get to work, and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

    IN PRISON..........you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
    AT WORK ...........you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

    IN PRISON .you must deal with sadistic wardens.
    AT WORK...........they're called managers.
     
  14. 80lover96gxl

    80lover96gxl Moderator

    Yeah pretty sure mate, all i did was dig dirt and load trucks with the excavator, haha.
     
    Albynsw likes this.
  15. Outrage

    Outrage 4x4 Earth Contributer

    I used it today. distance = speed x time (d = s x t). Tape measure got d, stop watch got t. I had to find s :)
     
    Last edited: Oct 17, 2017 at 10:25 PM
    Mr Rum and 80lover96gxl like this.
  16. 80lover96gxl

    80lover96gxl Moderator

    Nice Matt, im always running short of t:D
     
  17. mikehzz

    mikehzz Well-Known Member

    How did the stop watch get the speed?
     
  18. itlldoo

    itlldoo Well-Known Member

    so did someone tell you how many loads to put in the truck or did you figure it out ?:cool:
     
    80lover96gxl likes this.
  19. 80lover96gxl

    80lover96gxl Moderator

    I dont count how many buckets , i just know when its full by the amount thats in there.
    Im usually 100kg's either side of 12.5 ton, which is legal capacity for our truck and 12ton for the trailer.
     
  20. Outrage

    Outrage 4x4 Earth Contributer

    whoops, corrected :oops:
     
    mikehzz likes this.

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