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Jokes

Discussion in 'Off Topic Discussion' started by x [Heels] x, Jun 8, 2008.

  1. x [Heels] x

    x [Heels] x New Member

    Joke Thread

    Got a random joke or quote, Have a laugh and share it. :D

    The Little Red Man Joke

    One day a little red man was in his house having a shower when the door bell rang, he put his towel around himself and went to the door, as he opened the door his towel fell down, in shock the lady at the door ran across the road...then BANG got hit by a car, what is the moral of the story?

    DON'T CROSS THE ROAD WHEN THE LITTLE RED MAN IS FLASHING!

    :p
     
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  2. 4X4

    4X4 Moderator

    At least it was a CLEAN joke. LOL:D
     
  3. x [Heels] x

    x [Heels] x New Member

    Non-clean jokes are always welcome, LOL
     
  4. 4X4

    4X4 Moderator

    Yeah, but I'm easily offended Heels.:rolleyes:
     
  5. x [Heels] x

    x [Heels] x New Member

    Well, close your eyes and you will never know, hehe.
     
  6. x [Heels] x

    x [Heels] x New Member

    I am offended easily also but each to their own, i have plenty of clean jokes *thinks* hehe
     
  7. x [Heels] x

    x [Heels] x New Member

    Blinkers

    One weekend Paddi & Alan where getting ready to go on a road trip, just before they left Paddi asked Alan to check the indicators, Alan gets out infront of the car,
    Alan- "Yep, turn them on."
    Paddi- "Are they working?"
    Alan "Yes they are, No they're not, yes they are, No they're not!"

    :p
     
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  8. BUSHNUT

    BUSHNUT 4x4 Earth Contributer

    For cleanliness sake , I'll tone this one down, but it is better with the old adjective in it

    It was a little country pub , through the week it was a quiet little watering hoLe for the locals to unwind after a hard day on the land.

    The ambience of this was on the weekend changed somewhat when the Toorak Farmers would decend upon the place and break the calm ambience by airing their so called knowledge of all things relating to the land.

    This night was a particularly foul night, the rain was howling down outside and the wind chill factor was freezing. There were a few locals who decided to put up with the city farmers of the weekend trade and come and socialise at the bar with neighbors and friends and as usuall it brought in the Collins street farmers in as well .

    The weather was so foul it brought in an old stockman with his old cattle dog , he took of his well worn Drizabone and his well seasoned hat, shook the rain off them and hung them on a peg near the door,.

    Although there was a roaring log fire blazing at one end of the bar, it was where the city folks had gathered . Being not one for crowds and fools, he went to the other end where there was no one , his old cattle dog close on his heels as was expected, no commands given, they had worked as a team for so long and knew what was expected of each, the old stockman sat down on a stool and the dog settled down at his feet, he held up one finger to the barman for one beer, it was poured and the old stockman sipped it in silence .

    This caused a change of topic for the braggarts of the pretenders from the city to that of dogs and each in turn extolled the pedigree of their particular animal, boasting how good they were with cattle and so forth.

    Unfortunately the old stockman could not get any further away from them so he just sat there and tried to shut the crap out.

    It was when one city slicker said " My dog is a pure bred kelpie, his name is Bruce'. The old stockman thought ' good breed of dog, but a S@#T name "

    The so called farmer continued " I have had him so well trained that he will only act on my command and no-one elses, I'll put money on it "

    The others in his group said" Ah that's crap "

    The braggart owner replied" well I'll show you" left the bar and went out to get the dog from his top of the range 4X4 and brought it inside.

    'I'LL PUT UP $50 FOR ANYONE WHO CAN GET HIM TO OBEY , But If you can't you owe me the wager!" So one by one they all tried, each failling in turn , the pot got larger as the grog combined with the exaltation of success took affect and pretty soon the pot was up to $2000,

    The noise of all this was getting too much for the old stockman and the sound of the braggarts voice in particular was grating on his ears, it was all too much , so he stood up dropped his hand in a silent command for his old cattle dog to stay.

    He went down to the townies end of the bar and addressed the the now over confident braggart . " Okay Sunshine, correct me if I am wrong, the wager is $2000 , you've got it correct ? To which the townie , particullarly as he didn't want to be shown up in front of his socalled mates confirmed that the wager was good.

    "Okay clear some space if you will " They all gave him room, as quick as a flash he grabbed the pedigree Kelpie cattle dog by the scruff of the neck and by the tail and hurled it into the blasing fire place and yelled "Bruce, get the F@#K out of there !"
     
    Last edited: Jun 9, 2008
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  9. x [Heels] x

    x [Heels] x New Member

    Hahaha. Good one. =D
     
  10. 4X4

    4X4 Moderator

    Three couples were out playing golf. An English couple, an Irish couple & a Scottish couple. As The English lady was about to tee off a gust of wind blew her dress up over her head. Her husband was horrified, he shouted "Daphne, where are your knickers?" "On the pittance you give me for housekeeping, I can't afford any," she replied. The English man reached into his pocket and pulled out $50.00 "For the sake of decency Daphne, buy yourself some knickers" he barked.
    You won't believe this, as the Irish woman was about to tee off a gust of wind blew her dress up over her head. "Mother of Mary" the Irish man screamed "Where are your knickers Betty?" "On the pittance you give me for housekeeping, I can't afford any," she replied.The Irish man reached into his pocket and pulled out $20.00 "For the sake of decency Betty, buy yourself some knickers" he replied.
    As unbelievable as this sounds, just as the Scottish woman was about to tee off a gust of wind blew her dress up over her head. "Kathryn where are your knickers?" the Scotsman screamed."On the pittance you give me for housekeeping, I can't afford any," she replied. The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a comb. ""For the sake of decency Kathryn, tidy yourself up a bit"
    :rolleyes:
     
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  11. x [Heels] x

    x [Heels] x New Member

    The Pickle Factory

    Bob worked in a pickle factory, one day he came home to his wife and told her he has been having strange urges to put his penis in the pickle slicer as the wife thought it could be dangerous she sent her husband to a sex therapist... After a few sessions, Bob thought he could go back to work and he wouldn't have the urge anymore... So off he went to work, in the afternoon he come home looking like he'd seen a ghost, his wife said "What's the matter Bob?" Bob replied, "I got fired!" Wife "What, Why?" Bob "I had an urge again and i stuck my penis in the pickle slicer!" Wife "OMG, what happened? Is down there alright? Do you need me to call an ambulance?" Bob "Yeah, it's fine.." Wife "But what about the pickle slicer?" Bob "She got fired too!"

    :p
     
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  12. BUSHNUT

    BUSHNUT 4x4 Earth Contributer

    The end of final period of the school day had come and all the children were making their way home, some were getting picked up by their parents and others like little Johnny were walking home.

    Half way home a vehicle comes up along side him, the driver calls to him through the open passenger side window " hop in son, I'll give you a lift ".

    Little Johnny started walking faster and so the vehicle and it's occupant followed him and again drew along side of him, this time the driver called out " Come on son, hop in , I've got a great big bag of boiled lollies for you". Little Johnny started walking even faster, the vehicle again followed him and again drew alongside of him and openned the passenger side door and called out " Please hop in son, don't be like that ! I shout you tickets to a movie and I give you lots and lots of sweets and all the cans of drink that you want !"

    Little Johnny turned and faced the car and said " Dad , you bought the FU@#ING Discovery , you live with it !"
     
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  13. Grumpy

    Grumpy Moderator

    Hey Bushnut that could go for many vehicles just change the last line, I liked it!!
     
  14. Grumpy

    Grumpy Moderator

    Irish joke

    The Stranded Irishman

    One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.

    He thought to himself, 'It's certainly not a ship.' As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft. Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure in a black wet suit.

    Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, 'Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?'

    'Ten years' replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.

    He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. 'Faith and begorrah,' said the castaway, 'that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!'

    'And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish whiskey?' asked the blonde. Trembling, the castaway replied, 'Ten years.'
    Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. ''Tis nectar of the gods!' shouted the
    Irishman. ''Tis truly fantastic!!!'

    At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, 'and how long has it been since you played around?'

    With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, 'Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!'
     
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  15. Gunna

    Gunna Well-Known Member

    Man Rules




    At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

    Finally , the guys' side of the story
    ( I must admit, it's pretty good)




    We always hear ‘the rules' From the female side





    Now here are the rules from the male side




    These are our rules!

    Please note... they are all numbered '1' ON PURPOSE!







    1. Men are NOT mind readers.

    1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

    1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

    1. Crying is blackmail.

    1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one! Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

    1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

    1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

    1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

    1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

    1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

    1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

    1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

    1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

    1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have NO idea what mauve is.

    1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

    1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.


    1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear

    1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really!

    1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as boxing or racing.

    1. You have enough clothes.

    1. You have too many shoes.

    1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
     
  16. Grumpy

    Grumpy Moderator

    This is so true Gunna127
     
  17. x [Heels] x

    x [Heels] x New Member

    Hahahahaha! They where all good. =P
     
  18. Pure Yobbo

    Pure Yobbo Moderator

    Papa mole, a mama mole, and a baby mole all live together in a little mole hole.


    One day, papa mole sticks His head out of the hole, sniffs the air and said,
    "Yum! I smell maple syrup!"

    The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and said,
    "Oh, Yum! I smell honey!"

    Now baby mole is trying to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air,
    but can't because the bigger moles are in the way.
    This makes him whine,
    "Geez, all I can smell is....

    MOLASSES!
     
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  19. BUSHNUT

    BUSHNUT 4x4 Earth Contributer

    A little old couple from Mildura were setting off on their annual drive up to the Sunshine coast for the winter months.

    Both were in their mid eighties, had owned their little Toyota buzz box since new since 1989. she wouldn't let him drive any more and he being a survivor of a long marriage just knew it was best not to argue , just sit there and shut up. She was deaf as a post and so drove the car oblivious to the sound of the valves bouncing as she sped towards their destination.

    The old bloke was very concerned about the speed she was doing so he spoke loudly to her " Watch your speed, you are doing way over the speed limit, you'll get booked again !

    Her response was "What did you say, speak up , I can't hear you !" So yelling at the top of his lungs again he uttered " Watch your speed, you are doing way over the speed limit, you'll get booked again !

    She then slowed down, but old habits die hard, and soon again she was back up to warp 1 speed ; the old bloke just shrugged his shoulders and sat back and accepted the uselessness of his attempt to slow her down.

    Predictably, a copper detected this cruise missle shoot past him from his hiding place, about the only bloody tree on the Hay Plain , he sped off after them . It took him a while , but he caught up to them , passed them and forced them to pull over.

    The old man yelled at hs wife " you see, I told you were speeding, but no , you don't take any notice of me, not bloody ever ." and then just sat back. The copper strode up thinking it must be some young hoons thrashing an old car like this . He was taken back when he discovered the age of the offender.

    " Driver , please produce your licence . " The old woman turned to her husband and asked " What did he say, what did he say?" Her Husband yelled back her " He wants to look at your licence ". and in a normal range " You silly old ***** !"

    So while the old woman was rumaging around with her head down, trying to find her licence in her bag , the copper started a conversation with the old man " Where are you from?"

    "Mildura" replied the old man . "Mildura " replied the copper " Bloody Mildura, I was there for a while, had the worst bit of sex in my life there !"

    The old lady brought her head up and turned to her husband and asked " What did he say, what did he say ?"

    The old man yelled back at her " He knows ya !"
     
    Last edited: Jun 11, 2008
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  20. Pure Yobbo

    Pure Yobbo Moderator

    I agree with number 1 .......
     

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